:Mentoring Minutes

Let me be remembered as the man who told you something you already knew. — Woody Guthrie

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“In the long run, you only hit what you aim at. Therefore, though you should fail immediately, you had better aim at something high.” -Henry David Thoreau

The goal to ‘aim high’ is not new, as this quote from Thoreau shows. But it is scientifically proven. A study was done by professional negotiators proves, if you aim high, you may not reach your goal, but you will do better than those who aim lower. Take a risk.

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A life lived by chance is a life of unconscious reaction. A life lived by choice is a life of conscious action. - Unknown

Choose.

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“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity, and an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” - Winston Churchill

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As the Buddhists say, “The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is now.”

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One Ride, Three Lessons.

Lesson Three – Fear

Just after you pass under the George Washington Bridge there is a big hill. I had only ridden this way once and was surprised, since the rest of the path is totally flat. The road kept getting steeper and steeper still, until I could hardly turn the pedals over. But, I made it.

Now as I rode up I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to make it up the hill again. I was so proud of myself the first time. What if I couldn’t do it again? In my mind, the hill grew longer and steeper. I started thinking about when I would turn back. But I didn’t. I know how ugly fear gets when it gets its tentacles into you. And I know, in order to improve, I need to push myself. I was determined to face the big hill.

I was amazed when I got there, the hill was a lot shorter than I remembered. In fact, it wasn’t long at all. So I rode it twice, past people walking their bicycles up, beaten by the hill. Yogi Berra said “Baseball is 90% mental — the other half is physical.” It turns out, so is everything else is 90% mental, too.

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One Ride Three Lessons.

Lesson Two – Enjoy the Journey

The Hudson River Greenway is not complete. There are two spots where you have to detour for a bit. The first takes you up through a lovely section of Riverside Park. The signs said Go Slowly, Respect Others. It sounded like good advice, so I did. I rode slowly through the park, admiring the flower gardens, soaking in the fragrance, taking the time to respect the people I passed along the way.

It was a lovely moment. And reminded me my life cannot always be about the destination – you have to enjoy the ride. It is good for me to slow down every now and then, smell the flowers, notice the passing and not always just be thinking about where I am trying to go.

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Those of you who know me know I love cycling and see a lot of analogies to life on the bike. Today I went on an impromptu ride and discovered three. One Ride, Three Lessons. They were meaningful lessons for me, hopefully they will be for you, as well.

One Ride, Three Lessons.
Lesson One - Pace

I start out slow to warm up. I know if I don’t take the time to warm up, my knees hurt and I tire out too soon. So I am riding along the beautiful Hudson River Greenway bike path from The World Financial Center, enjoying the day, my bike and the view.

But people keep passing me. Being a competitive sort of guy I want to chase them down. But I knew if I did that, I would tire myself out too soon and not be able to complete the ride I had planned – to ride the path to the end, past the George Washington Bridge. So I kept my pace.

I was reminded of a saying in a lovely little book, P.S. I Love You When Mom Wrote She Always Saved The Best For Last. It said:

P.S. Life is a long race, and in the end, it is with no one but yourself.

I didn’t know where these other people were going, how long they planned on riding, what they hoped to accomplish. I just knew my plan.

So I rode my pace, felt good, felt strong and, oh yeah, I passed a lot of people on the way back. Life is a long race, you have to pace yourself. How many people do you know who started their career out strong, seemed to advance faster than everyone else, only to fall off the ladder or get sidetracked later because they didn’t take the time to go at their on pace, to learn what they needed for the long haul, to enjoy the ride and not burn out?

In the end, the race is with no one but yourself. I have my own destination, no one else’s is really of interest to me. My road is a long one and I have to pace myself to get where I want to go. How about you.

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One of the keys to being a superior therapist, coach or mentor is knowing when and how to make successful interventions. An intervention is speaking to your client in a way designed to remove a block to bring about significant change. It appears to the client that the intervention arises from a single moment, because they are only aware of the moment the block is addressed, but it is actually a process that begins long before. There are three phases to a successful intervention.

First we listen and collect information. The client says something related to their block. We explore and collect more information. We create a hypothesis about what is going on with the client that prevents them from getting where they want to go.

The second step is to test the hypothesis. The client has a resistance to doing something, not doing something, changing an action. We make suggestions and observe how the client resists. Resistance is not a pejorative word. It is a neutral term describing how the person’s block operates.

Everyone has resistances. Resistances that are unique to us based on how our upbringing and constitution interact. It is no different than the resistance a wire has to carrying electricity. Each type of wire has its own inherent, measurable resistance. Some types of resistance are better suited to one type of task than another, for instance, if the goal is to conduct electricity without loss or to create heat. Different tasks, different wires.

If a person has a single goal, and their resistances are not blocking them in that direction, then they can be successful at the task without intervention. But, most of us have several goals – to succeed at work, have a loving relationship, raise happy children. All of us find areas of our life that frustrate us because we bang up against our blocks. We have resistance to doing what would be successful.

Now a block may be a lack of knowledge. We may not know how to do something. An inability to get the right information or skill is a resistance. We may try all the strategies we know to succeed, and fail. We may, despite our best efforts, act the same, unsuccessful way repeatedly. The nature of the block is only important in understanding how to resolve it.

The third part is in the timing. How we devise and deliver an intervention are critical. Think of boxers. They defend themselves from attack, bobbing and weaving to escape being hit. We resist change in the same way.

There is a part of us that wants to change, that is what brings us to a place to get help, whether it is from a friend, colleague, spouse or professional. Our desire to change leads us to giving the right information, that, if heard correctly, will lead to our being helped – the same way we describe our symptoms to a doctor in order to get the right treatment.

But there is also a part of us, the part doing the bobbing and weaving, that does not want to change. Often, we prefer to cling to the familiar, even after becoming aware that it is unsuccessful or counterproductive, than face the unknown. What is unknown is scary and uncomfortable. Otherwise, we would have done something different ourselves. And, as the old saying goes, “you do what you did, you get what you got.”

So, delivering a successful intervention means slipping around the defenses without attacking. Smack someone in the head and they will start defending themselves like crazy. Whatever message you might want to deliver after that will be lost. So timing and gentleness are critical. A message delivered in anger will rouse strong defenses, a tug at the resistance will cause it to coil tighter. The real art is in how and when to deliver a life changing message.

A great example of this third part can be seen in the movie The Jewel of the Nile. Michael Douglas loves Kathleen Turner, but is afraid to develop a relationship with her. He watches her from a distance as she dances with the native women around a fire, mesmerized by her beauty.

The Jewel, who is actually a wise holy man, not a gemstone, comes up behind Douglas as he watches her and whispers to him, “Our fear makes us foolish.”

You can see how the message bypasses Douglas’ conscious mind and resonated throughout his body. The message slipped past the gatekeeper and finds its mark. Michael Douglas is transformed in that moment.

Had the message been delivered at another time, he might have heard ‘fear’ or ‘foolish’ and become angry (defense) . But the well-timed intervention finds a gentle path through and dissolves the resistance. He can acknowledge the fear, face the fear, step beyond it, foolish no more. The client observes the moment as an ah-ha experience, even though it may have been quite a long time in the making. Other times, while hitting the mark, the seed need time to grow, the results not evident for some time, even though, below the surface, wonderful things are happening.

The key element are a loving gentleness, the way a surgeon cuts with the knife, with caring, not hacking in anger. The goal is always constructive to the client, not to show how smart we are. If it sounds Zen, it is – an art, not a recipe. A method, not a blueprint. A journey, not a destination.

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The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions, and not our circumstances. We carry the seeds of the one or the other with us, in our minds, wherever we go. — Martha Washington

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